Last night, on Day 6 of our Christmas Countdown, we decorated our Christmas tree.
Instead, Hannah wore her Halloween costume and the ornaments were placed fairly haphazardly (but all above the top third of the tree so Ray can't reach them). The kids were sweet and enjoyed it, but it was all a bit chaotic and to be perfectly honest, after the tree was decorated and the kids put to bed, I came back downstairs and cried my eyes out.
Why did I cry? A million silly reasons, really.
I cried because no matter how hard I try, our house is always a mess and I can never seem to stay on top of the cleaning, the clutter, the laundry (ohhh, the laundry).
I cried because when I had FaceTimed with my family earlier that night (wishing my mom a happy birthday and visiting with my sister whom I haven't seen in person in almost a year), the kids would not stop running around and screaming long enough for me to have even the shortest conversation. And I miss my family. The realization that they will all be together at Christmas except for me is starting to sink in.
I cried because Nathan told me I was the best mom ever last night. And I know I'm not the best mom ever. I make so many many mistakes every day that all come screaming back to me when he tells me this.
I cried because Ray still isn't sleeping through the night, and the only thing that seems to be working is letting him cry on his first waking of the night. Which goes against everything I believe in as a parent.
I cried because when I'm cooking dinner in the evenings, I have to send my kids upstairs because I just can't stand the noise and the chasing each other around the circle and the screaming one more minute. And I don't want to be like that. I want to love the noise. I want to love the chaos. And most of the time I do. Dinnertime is my nemesis right now.
And I cried because sometimes, just sometimes, Mom needs to have a good cry. And when she does, Dad needs to rub her back and tell her it's okay. He needs to tell her that she's wonderful, that the kids are happy, that she holds the family together. That he will help in any way she needs. And that tomorrow is a new day.
I'm thankful for this new day, for the beautiful life I lead, and for my amazing husband, who has made all my dreams come true and always knows just what to say.